What good are shivers? What use is to weep? Throwing a few sighs in between sleeps.
Like tides, this trouble rises and recedes. In hopes of seeing shadows without a doubt, without the sun. Drowning in oblivion, save your affection, bar none. This feels almost too quiet an existence, too graceful an exit. Am I a galaxy now their eyes can see? Or a mere dust fallen from sullen skies for veiled eyes before me?
I yearn to glide across your vein so expansive like frozen webs of fractured stars limping on shores. I will find comfort in their foreign skins; skins that burn next to my cold. Wherein night is just a failed conviction for a world that unearths only light. Light that bends so vivid we are only left to preach in blindness of being and darkness of knowing.
You used to teach me different shades of white. I am going to have to hold your words against you. For forgiveness comes in flowers. Frail white flowers that slither my chest that pillows my spines that longs for your palms. Palms when held in nearness, look most beautiful. Much like a nest within your ribcage and knuckles that crack a slight familiarity of nostalgia, resting amongst the ridges of your collarbones. Bones that compact like soil on impact that floats like a feather.
Sin is a regrettable word. Seen is just as foolish. For it was never where the lines meet but where the heart is. I’ve learnt to grow fonder of this invitation to love, this chance at leaving, this coming to terms with leaving. That exit is a letter away from exist; A part, just a space away from apart. I vow to be the relentless dust twirling in tandem with the win. To show up, so certain, whispering in kindred with the warmth of your sand. And I too, have grown to have lips married to Your Name, but when will I ever be ready to see Your Face?
1. My dad is 100% Indian- forefathers from Bombay and Punjab. My Nani’s father was the only one who converted to Islam. So technically I have unknown relatives around Little India now. HEH. He was also one of the pioneer VPs of Anglo-Chinese School or so I heard. My mum is half Javanese and half Ceylonese.
2. I am obsessed with Rumi, rain and brown, unruled notebooks.
3. I secretly dream of being a singer.
4. Art school wasn’t my first choice. I was dead set on teaching Malay Language. God knows best.
5. I am certified to have partial red-green colour deficiency.
6. I abhor driving, I find it uncomfortable although I have had my license since 5 years ago and passed the manual test at one go. Chey.
7. I am socially awkward, no kidding. You will see me cross roads pretending to talk on the phone and alight at random train stations when I feel awkward’s in the air.
8. I was politely mugged in Marrakech on my first night but everything else made up for it.
9. I am extremely sensitive. I cry alot. Over the darndest things like Hindi films and heartbreaks.
10. The Northern lights is on the top of my worldly bucketlist. A dark secret is wanting to die in prayer under one of its dance beside my soulmate.
11. I prefer long bus rides to train rides. I almost always sit all the way at the back and start judging people. HEH.
12. I am a Neopets nerd. My username is harrypotter_online. Was a Harry Potter nerd as well. Lulz.
13. I find Anna Kendrick’s personality top-notch. Also JLaw’s and Sofia Vergara’s.
14. When I was in Morocco, people assumed I am Japanese. In Pingyao, French. I embraced them both wholeheartedly.
15. Paris is my dream city since young. I love everything about the French culture. I took up French and Spanish lessons in college, also Arabic and Hindi along life.
16. I used to find Indonesian teenhood idyllic. I would submit class assignments as ‘Indra’ just to act the part in primary school.
17. At 12, I began to embark in graphic and web design. I ran major fansites for Charmed and Kelly Clarkson. They were quite popular, I swear. I even got to meet Kelly in person when she came to Singapore for her tour. fanlistings.org used to be the thing back then.
18. I am obsessed with Survivor, the Idol franchise, Big Brother, X Factor etc. Guilty pleasure. Ack.
19. Marriage is not in my list of to-do things (at the moment, maybe). My heart needs healing, you all keep breaking it. I fall in love with people I can’t have. I am not good enough for anyone. Yada yada. #emo
20. I failed General Paper during my As. Surprise! I wanted to be radical, Cambridge was having none of it.
21. Music, film, literature shaped me. I used to play the clarinet for 5 years.
22. I used to be a victim of slander in high school. It both broke and made me stronger.
23. An ideal life is a riad by a lake in Morocco, drinking tea and making art, writing, teaching, volunteering at refugee camps at leisure.
24. I think male toddlers are cuter than female ones. I plan to adopt children from age 3 onwards and return them by 12. No, I am not a pedobear. HAHAHA
25. I name all my cameras after cities. We have Vienna, Boston, Savannah so far. The rest are dead and buried.
26. A dog bit me in Varanasi in 2012, I spiralled into depression in fear of rabies and it changed my life irrevocably. Alhamdulillah, for the better.
27. 27 is my favourite number and I will be going for my grad trip in exactly 2 weeks time for 27 days. HEHEHEH. Pray for me.